The Afterlife System

I was asked the other day how long I can stand a pop song. The short answer is not long. About a week, maybe two. The long answer is that by combing the internet, listening to albums, and switching to the radio when younger ears are present, I consume a decent amount of music. Of the pop songs I might like, I usually keep a distance, preparing myself to hear it through the FM rather than my headphones. This way, any pop song that does appeal to me will strike me organically. Then there are the songs I despise, then there are the ones that float in and out of favor. However, I must say the songs that are currently on the radio are mostly summer carryovers that have me ready to drive into a median every time I hear one of them come on. I have constructed a system to convey to you exactly what these songs do to me. This is the afterlife scale:

Heavenly (I currently love this song, and get excited whenever it comes on, typically singing and/or raising the volume.)

Sky High (I currently like this song enough to leave the radio where it is. Songs here are either rising in stock, or plummeting back down to earth.)

Purgatory (I am indifferent about this song. It has probably been popular for some time and while I once loved it, I can not bring myself to truly hate it. These songs might get 30 seconds to a minute of play)

First Ring of Hell (I perhaps liked this song at one point in time, but either overkill or too long of a shelf life has left me with nothing but anger towards it.)

Third Ring of Hell (This will typically be a song that I never liked to begin with, but there are people who for whatever reason call this song their jam, and so the radio continues to play despite the ear-bleeding effect it has on me.)

Fifth Ring of Hell (These songs are the worst. They can run the gamut of liking in the past. But NOW? I am instantly sent into a rage upon hearing even one chord. If I liked this song at one point in time, I now hate myself for doing so. I hate the radio for continuing to play it perhaps months after it should have stopped.)

Power 95.3 Top Ten Playlist for this week

proof

101.9 Top Ten playlist this week

Proof

“Deuces” Chris Brown ft. Tyga and Kevin Mcall — Purgatory

Seeing as I posted this song to the blog over two months ago (see, I did do that) I’m pretty over this one. The remix version, which is getting heavy play, elevates “Deuces” out of hell status, as does me being prone to enjoy Breezys jams. But still, this ones moving downward, it’s on both Top Tens and will only get more iratating from here.

“Love the Way You Lie” Eminem ft. Rihanna3rd Ring of Hell

Never liked this one. It debuted on the Billboard 100 16 weeks ago. I explained in the past that it’s the “window pane” line, but my distaste for this one goes further, and I’m not sure I can back it up. Regardless, 16 weeks is far too long, put this song to rest. Please. Yet it’s still in the Top 5 on both lists so I remain pessimistic.

“Airplanes” B.o.B. ft. Hayley WilliamsFirst Ring/Purgatory

Had to ride the fence on this one because with the Eminem remix-verse, it climbs out of the underworld and into a more tolerable existence. 26 Weeks on the Hot 100. I know the radio loves this guy, but do us all a favor and pick something else. “Magic” has about a week and half before I hate it as well.

“OMG” Usher ft. Will.i.am5th Ring of Hell

This is the aptly named song of all time, be cause every time it comes on I say “Oh My God, not again, what have I done to deserve this torture? I’d rather 1,000 squirrels commandeer my vehicle and force me to be late and badly beaten rather than listen to this song once more.” The worst part — I liked it for a brief period. It has now been n the Hot 100 for 28 weeks. 28 Weeks! And it’s still on both Top 10’s!

“Like A G6” Far East MovementSky High

Not on either radio list, but pretty high on the Billboard. I’m sure this song will get incredibly annoying in the near future, but I currently don’t mind it too much.

“I Like It” Enrique Iglesias ft. Pitbull 3rd Ring of Hell

No I don’t, nor have I ever, liked it. “My life is a movie and you’re just Tivo?” What is that even supposed to mean? And Tivo is great. If your girl was basic cable, then Tivo would seem pretty awesome.

“Cooler Than Me” Mike PosnerPurgatory

As a Posner fan, I can’t really rank this too low. Liked his mixtape One Foot Out the Door more than 31 Minutes to Take Off anyway. 24 weeks on the Hot 100.

“Dynamite” Taio Cruz5th Ring of Hell

Dug this for about a week. That week was probably in mid-August. No reason it should be #5 on 95.3’s Top Ten or #4 on Billboards Top Radio Songs. Seriously, radio’s across the country, cut this out. I throw my hands up in the air sometimes when I hear this come one and say “The radio is the devil, hey oh.”

Other songs I would like to see put to rest or am mildly enjoying for the time being: “Take It Off” Ke$ha — 3rd Ring of Hell, “Bottoms Up” Trey Songz ft. Nicki Minaj — 1st Ring of Hell, “Only Girl (In The World)” Rihanna — Sky High.

Look for me to do this again sometime down the line. Every month or two maybe. Until then, I’ll continue to miss New York radio, and shake my head at these putrid playlists.

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